Phoebe, Judge Me

Free Advice

Dear Phoebe, 

Why DO YOU HAVE A LISP? I LOVE YOUR SHOW, BUT I CAN't GET OVER THE LISP. JUST TRY TO MAKE A HISSING SOUND WITH YOUR TEETH AND USE THAT FOR THE LETTER S.  KEEP UP THE GREAT EPISODES. 

Judgement:

GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING THE SHOW!  


Dear Phoebe, 


How do you answer the question "how many children do you have?" when one of your children died; without mAKING THE ASKER UNCOMFORTABLE?   

Judgement:

ANSWER Honestly. Always. THIS IS NOT A SUBJECT WHERE YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT MAKING ANOTHER PERSON UNCOMFORTABLE. IF THEY CAN'T HANDLE IT, THEY HAVEN'T lived enough life yet. GIVE them a push. 


Dear Phoebe,

I WAS RECENTLY IN A CAR ACCIDENT AND LOST A FRONT TOOTH. SILVER LINING: I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET A GOLD TOOTH AND BECOME AN ACTUAL PIRATE. SHOULD I DO IT?  

Judgement:

I'M TERRIFIED OF losing my teeth.  EACH TIME I GO TO THE DENTIST, I'M convinced I'LL BE TOLD THAT TheY'VE ALL GOT TO COME OUT, and I WILL BE George Washington.  Go gold.  


Dear Phoebe,

Should I become a firefighter?

Judgement:

ABSOLUTELY.  WONDERFUL JOB. ALTHOUGH, I'VE HEARD FIREHOUSES DON'T HAVE POLES ANYMORE.  THAT TAKES AWAY SOME OF THE THRILL.  


Dear Phoebe,

CAN'T DECIDE IF I SHOULD GET BANGS OR NOT. YOUR ADVICE?

Judgement:

never been a bangs fan.  That said, I DON'T LIKE CHANGE. I HAVE HAD LONG HAIR since I was 4. 


Dear Phoebe,

I'm starting to plan my honeymoon. What destination would you recommend?

Judgement:

GO AS far away from your regular life AS POSSIBLE. You'll have years and years to experience reality with your new spouse.  Have you ever been to Joshua Tree?  It'S like Mars. 


Dear Phoebe,

Lucky Charms or Golden Grahams?

Judgement:

GROWING UP, WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO EAT CEREAL.  BUT ON OUR BIRTHDAYS, MY mother would let MY SIBLINGS AND I CHOOSE any KIND we wanted for THAT DAY ONLY.  I always CHOSE Lucky Charms.  BUT THEN I GREW UP and realized IT TASTES LIKE GARBAGE.  Have you tried Steel Cut Oats?


Dear Phoebe,

IS 43 TOO OLD TO BEGIN DAY-DRINKING? FOR EXAMPLE, A 2-MARTINI LUNCH ON A TUESDAY? 

Judgement:

I'M CURIOUS ABOUT YOUR THOUGHT THAT SOMEONE CAN BE TOO YOUNG OR TOO OLD FOR DAY DRINKING. AGE IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE AND YOU ARE NOT DON DRAPER. HAVE A BEER AT 6PM LIKE THE REST OF US. 

EGIN DAY-DRI

MY HONE


Dear Phoebe,

even with the aid of an alarm, i can't ever seem to wake up on time. ideas? 

Judgement:

I know a lot of people with this problem and i gotta say, i don't for the life of me understand it. there is no advice to give. it's just nonsense. get up. i've got a lot of problems, but my eyes open at 7:03am every morning and i'd rather die than be late. 


Dear Phoebe,

If you had to choose, top-half horse or bottom-half horse? 

Judgement:

BOTTOM-half HORSE. WITHOUT A DOUBT.  


Dear Phoebe,

How do I get my husband to keep the house clean and pick up after himself?

Judgement:

STOP CLEANING your shared areas. MAKE A QUIET, CLEAN SPACE FOR YOURSELF IN THE GARAGE OR ATTIC IF YOU HAVE TO.  this will only improve your marriage. 


Dear Phoebe,

My boss seems to think it's cute to pop into employees' offices and say, "Are we having fun yet?," but my coworkers and I agree that it isn't. How should we answer her next time she asks?

Judgement:

i was once confronted by a coworker who asked whether i had a "case of the giggles." i think we can all agree that office chat is the worst thing on earth and anytime you start a new job, you have a vital choice to make: play along or give them a cold stare. i practice mine in the mirror. 


Dear Phoebe,

I'm drinking prosecco with my parakeet at noon.

Judgement:

FANTASTIC.  YOU MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT WITH YOUR LIFE. Have you considered starting an advice column? 


Dear Phoebe,


It’s the holidays. Growing up, holidays in my home sucked (i.e. fighting, drunkenness, bad food, etc.). But now I am in my 30s, living my own life, and am relatively happy about the way things are going for me.  I want to re-invent the holidays for myself, but I’m an introvert and don’t have much money. Should I buy a tree and throw a holiday party (inviting my wonderful yet stressed-out group of young professional friends, many of whom don't know each other and are parents of young children)? Or is there another way to reset the holidays?

Judgement:

I think you've hit the nail on the head.  make your own christmas. buy a tree and throw a party.   I JUST BOUGHT A TREE THAT IS SO BIG I COULD BARELY FIT IT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.  I'M A BIG BELIEVER IN the TREE. Who cares if your friends don't know each other?  there's no time like the Holidays to get over yourself. 


Dear Phoebe,

If I spend my weekends going to bed early and cooking at home am I losing some core part of the college experience? Should I be drinking and dancing late into the night on a regular basis? I like doing these things, but I am frequently very tired and I have a comfortable bed.

Judgement:

One of the most important things In life is going to bed when  you are ready to go to bed.  I am famous for thanking my dinner guests at the end of the dessert course, and then swiftly retrieving their coats.  Once, I pulled out the vacUum cleaner to make my point. 


Dear Phoebe,

Christmas is at my uncle's house this year, and I know he's going to spend the entire day talking about how all Muslims are terrorists, all homosexuals are pedophiles, etc. He's also voting for Trump. What will mask the taste of cyanide better, egg nog or champagne? 

Judgement:

Mix them.


Dear Phoebe,

My sweet and generous family always gets me tons of terrible gifts. I can graciously accept them but what do I do after? Do I have to keep them? What do I say when mom asks why I'm not wearing the cute bottle cap earrings she got me?

Judgement:

first of all, you don't have to keep gifts. donate them. that's not what matters here. what matters is that someone bought you a present.  just appreciate it and STOP complaining.  


Dear Phoebe,

THE WOMAN WHO SITS BEHIND ME AT THE OFFICE GETS UP AND DOWN QUITE FREQUENTLY, AND EVERY TIME SHE DOES SHE LEAVES HER CHAIR PULLED OUT ALMOST TOUCHING MINE, EVEN IF SHE'S GONE FOR HOURS. WHEN I SLIDE BACK TO STAND UP, I CRASH INTO HER CHAIR EVERY TIME. WE DON'T WORK AT THE SAME COMPANY, JUST SHARE THE SAME SPACE, SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW HER. IS SHE FUCKING WITH ME?  

Judgement:

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION. THANK YOU FOR WRITING IN. FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T THINK SHE IS DOING THIS ON PURPOSE . SHE'S EITHER INCONSIDERATE OR OBLIVIOUS. YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

1. SPEAK TO HER DIRECTLY. TRY TO MAKE A JOKE OUT OF THE SMALL SPACE YOU'RE SHARING (EASIER SAID THAN DONE).

2. DISABLE THE CHAIR.  PRY ONE OF THE WHEELS OFF WITH A SCREWDRIVER OR JAM SOMETHING IN THERE SO THAT SHE CAN'T ROLL BACK EASILY.  THIS WOULD BE MY COURSE OF ACTION.  


Dear Phoebe,

 I am getting married in 6 months but having recurring dreams about an ex. What should I do?

Judgement:

could just be cold feet,  and if that's the case it seems normal you'd be dreaming about your past.  The problem comes when you start DREAMING about your ex during daylight hours, which i suspect you are and that's why you've written in. it might be time to reevaluate what you're getting into and if you're being straight up with the person you're marrying.  


Dear Phoebe,

How can my wife get a voice like yours? 

Judgement:

rude.


Dear Phoebe,

The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?

Judgement:

The Beatles. 


Dear Phoebe, 

I just mixed up their and they're in an important business email. How do I save face?

Judgement:

write again, "SO EMBARRASSED about THE GRAMMeR error! hope YOUR NOT judging me." finish with smiley face. 
 


Dear Phoebe, 

 I feel like I'm in a rut a lot. Same places, same people. Part of me wants to just up and move away, to find adventure. Part of me still loves parts of my current life. And another small part of me thinks moving to a new place with no plan is asking for trouble. What should I do?  

-Blustered in Boston

Judgement:

I have an especially ADVENTUROUS friend. He's always climbing inside MOUNTAIN LION cages AND lying ON THE GROUND so ELEPHANTS step over HIm. but He also spends a lot of time at home staring into space and cooking the same meals over and over. While I LOVE THE IDEA OF finding a great adventure, i don't think this is an either/or PROPOSITION that requires a dramatic move. Why not start small: refuse to use a car, bus, train or bike for an entire week. only travel on foot, no matter where you need to go. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A wonderful ADVENTURE TO ME.  or you might TAKE A TRIP to another country with a small amount of cash and NO CREDIT CARDS. or you might have a bbq in which you force yourself only to invite people you don't know very well. If these experiments don't help, i will ask my ADVENTUROUS friend to let you tag along next time. 


Dear Phoebe,


I'M AN ARTIST. A FORMER COLLEAGUE OF MINE IS COPYING SOME OF MY OLDER WORK AND PROCESS AND HIS WORK IS GETTING ATTENTION THAT MINE DID NOT. I'M A LITTLE ANNOYED, THOUGH MY CAREER IS GOING FINE. SHOULD I TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AND LET IT SLIDE OR SHOULD I SAY SOMETHING?
- COPIED IN CALIFORNIA

Judgement:

Bastard. write him a nice note complimenting him on his creativity. This seems like the perfect occasion to be passive aggressive.  


Dear Phoebe,

I'M THINKING OF COLOURING MY HAIR. DO BLONDES REALLY HAVE MORE FUN?

Judgement:

Natural blondes are just trying to get by, same as everyone else.  


Dear Phoebe,

MY TOOTH IS WOBBLY. SHOULD I TIE A STRING FROM MY TOOTH TO MY DOG'S COLLAR, AND THEN LET HER RUN? THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE.
- ALMOST TOOTHLESS (AGED 10)

Judgement:

Absolutely. Send the video.  


Dear Phoebe,

 MY FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW IS A REAL SOUR-PUSS. NOTHING I SEEM TO DO, (OR HAVE DONE IN THE FIVE YEARS OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND) SEEMS TO SATISFY HER OR BRING US CLOSER. SHOULD I KEEP TRYING TO BUILD THIS BRIDGE? HOW MUCH EFFORT IS ENOUGH?

Judgement:

YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.  IF SHE HASN'T COME AROUND YET, FORGET ABOUT HER.  SHE' S PROBABLY MAD about being OLD. 


Dear Phoebe,

 AS YOU SEE IT, WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
- METAPHYSICAL IN MILWAUKEE

Judgement:

BUYING YOURSELF NICE GROCERIES. EATING DINNER AT THE TABLE.  LISTEN TO MUSIC YOU LIKE, EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE LIKES IT.  DON'T WORRY ABOUT BLOW DRYING YOUR HAIR. 


Dear Phoebe,

Trouble sleeping. 

Judgement: 

Join the club. 


Dear Phoebe, 

My friends say i look at my phone too much. is internet addiction real?  

- Tweetin' in Texas

Judgement: 

YES.  

Discussion: 

you need to go for a very long walk.. 


Dear Phoebe, 

MY GIRLFRIEND SEEMS TO HAVE MOVED IN WITHOUT ME REALIZING IT. SHE
SLEEPS HERE EVERY NIGHT AND I'VE NEVER BEEN TO HER HOUSE. AM I DATING
HOMELESS HEIDI?

- SLEEPLESS IN SASKATCHEWAN

Judgement: 

YES.  

Discussion: 

UNFORTUNATELY, YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS AS ATTRACTED TO YOU IN YOUR WARM BED AS SHE IS TO YOUR WARM BED.  IT IS GETTING COLD IN SASKATCHEWAN.  BETTER FIGURE THINGS OUT NOW BEFORE THE SNOW REALLY STARTS TO FALL.


Dear Phoebe:

MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN BALDING FOR THE PAST DECADE.  IT HAS GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN ACTUALLY COUNT THE NUMBER OF LONG HAIRS ON HIS OVER HEAD.  I want TO TELL HIM THAT THE JIG IS UP. he needs to embrace baldness. SHOULD I FINALLY SAY SOMETHING?

- cringing in coral gables

Judgement:

 YES.

Discussion:

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO HOLD ON TO A SINKING DREAM.  TELL HIM TO EMBRACE BEING BALD AND buy a motorcycle.